From The Personal Diary Of Garfield Logan
by Trollhammer
Summary: Just a revealing glance into the personal log of everyone’s favourite changeling. Oneshot.


**From The Personal Diary Of Garfield Logan…**

By Trollhammer

Disclaimer: I own nothing yada yada yada.

Summary: Just a revealing glance into the personal log of everyone's favourite changeling.

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I hope this makes up for my absence until I can get the last couple of chapters of 'A Blaze…' up. Please forgive me.

Also, a huge shout of thanks to Tex Murphy for his help and inspiration.

Songs I recommend listening to while reading this:

Anathema - 'Lovelorn Rhapsody'

My Dying Bride – 'Two Winters Only'

Utada Hikaru - 'First Love (piano version)'

* * *

(From the personal diary of Garfield Logan, May 1, 2007)

Her name is Raven…

She's one of my closest friends, one of my most cherished friends, and one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Her and the Titans are the best thing that ever happened to me. They're the strength in my arm, my guiding inspiration, and it's their friendship and love that makes the joy of a new day that little bit more euphoric.

But there's a problem…something with me…something that could ruin everything I have;

I've fallen completely head over heels in love with Raven.

That's supposed to be a good thing, right? RIGHT!? Well…not in this case. For a start, her powers would spiral out of control and destroy the world (from what she keeps saying anyway). And there are times when I'm pretty certain that she hates me…times when she looks at me like something she just scraped off the sole of her shoe, when I try to cheer her up with a joke. Plus, if we ever did get together, and something went wrong and we broke up, it could jeopardise the team…and I could end up losing my best friends…and that doesn't bare thinking about.

Then there's Raven herself. She's not interested in a relationship and doesn't care much for love either. Not after...him. I completely understand and respect that, but that's not the problem. In fact, to be honest, I find it very admirable that she would rather focus on her team-mates and her career (so to speak). A relationship may only serve as a distraction.

The problem is…what if she NEVER wants a relationship…with me?

I know there's nothing I could do about it if she didn't, but that fear, along with others, continues to gnaw away at the back of my mind.

One of my biggest fears is what if I keep quiet for too long and she finds love with somebody else? Again, nothing much I could do about it, although if they ever stepped out of line or hurt her, I'd rip them to pieces without thinking twice. Even though I can't bare the thought of her living out her life with somebody else, her happiness is more important to me than my own feelings.

But then I'd do anything to make her happy. I'd crawl on my bare stomach across an ocean of hot coals, broken glass and rusted nails just to see her smile. I'd make a complete fool of myself in public just to hear her laugh. I'd give her the world on a silver platter if she asked me to.

But the fact that she asks nothing of me frustrates me at times. I just wish there were something I could do that would completely sweep her off her feet…to show her how strong my feelings really were…to show her I care.

Although that would probably only lead to two things: 1. She'd get mad 2. She'd get scared and run away. So I can do nothing. But every time I walk into a room and see her sat down reading a book, I just want to walk up behind her, wrap my arms gently around her shoulders, tenderly kiss her soft hair and nuzzle her neck or behind my ear…or something just as cute. She hates hugs though, so that's a no-go. I just wish she'd open up to me, but even I know when to stop prying or digging too deep. But to be honest, that's one of the things that intrigues me the most about her, the fact that she's so reclusive with her feelings. She's an enigma wrapped in an enigma. But I know that within her is a Raven that's a beautiful as the Raven that these unworthy eyes have beheld…hair like fields of highland thistle…skin as white as cream…eyes that shine like amethyst crystals. To call her god's gift to man would undermine her…she's simply god's gift.

Yet the stupidest thing is that, when I'm alone with her, I can never think of what to say. I just lose my nerve and crack some stupid joke…like THAT hasn't been tried and tested. It's like that movie I watched the other day, except I'm not the good-looking guy with all the right words. She's the girl of my dreams and I'm just a fool with a crush.

I recently discovered that she writes poetry for some website or other, so I checked it out…and it's good…really good. I read her little biography and in part of it she said that, even though she's not really into guys, she kind of likes the tall, lean and toned types. Whereas I'm a few inches shorter than her and I look like a rag doll with dysentery. So now my insecurity has gone haywire. She also said she hates people with dead, lifeless eyes. So I can't help but wonder what she sees in my eyes…am I dead to her?

It's 3:00am and there's some documentary on the TV about European castles and old ruined churches, and the background music is some depressing monk chants and hymns…it instantly made me think of Raven. I'd love to take her away to Europe, just me and her, so we could explore and marvel at the old ruins together…sit with her resting in my lap beneath an ancient oak tree…or calmly drift on a lake in a small two-person boat in a lake, watching the sun sink over the treetops and behind the mountains.

It's Raven's Birthday soon. It seems very appropriate that she was born in the Spring, as if all of nature blossoms and blooms into new life to celebrate her birth…whereas I was born in the Autumn, when everything begins to die. Quite a strange…but perfectly fitting thought really.

It's quite funny that I'm fantasising about her finding this someday and read these words. I can't help but wonder how she would react. Would she freak out and distance herself from me completely? Would she finally understand how I truly feel and thus strengthen our bond? Or would she possibly admit her (if any) feelings for me? But one way or another, if she were to reject my love entirely, that would destroy me. I'd eventually get over it, but it would be a long time before I opened up to anyone ever again. But if we did end up being together, I would do things at the pace SHE wanted to take. I would never rush her into anything...I care for her too much to be so selfish. But as long as I got my kisses, my cuddles, my snuggles, the occasional tickle-fest, and the chance to fall asleep holding the woman I love in my arms, I would feel like the richest man in the world, and as big as a mountain.

Crazy to put it all at risk, I know, but I can't help the way I feel…I love her.

She's the first thing I think about when I wake up…

She's the last thing I think about when I fall asleep…

Her name is Raven…she is my everything.

But she'll never know.

* * *

What did you think? Review plz! Let me know if I've still got it or not  


End file.
